LFW: BURBERRY PORSUM F/W 2014

In all of London Fashion Week there is not a show more over-hyped than is the Burberry Porsum runway. Faith Paloma performed live as the models walked. Every significant and insignificant celebrity from any genre was present. The line of limousines and taxis managed to turn what was already a difficult traffic day into an absolute disaster. Good luck making it back to Somerset House for the David Koma show at 3:00, as if anyone here is aware that any other show exists. The only thing I can imagine missing from this circus would be someone from the royal family, who thankfully has the good sense to stay home.

All this to see what Christopher Bailey wants everyone to wear this next fall. I fear I have bad news, everyone. Christopher Bailey wants you to freeze your arse off.

For all the years I’ve watched and been amazed as Bailey does his thing, this is unquestionably the most seasonally inappropriate collection I’ve seen him offer. That the pieces are exquisitely beautiful is rather irrelevant when one has frostbite from ankle to nose. Hint: buy your Burberry overcoat this season while they all still button in the front.

Again, I cannot over emphasize the fact that this is a freakin’ gorgeous collection to look at. The prints are colorful and energetic. The silhouettes are daring and sexy as necklines plunge and the slits on skirts go all the way to … there.  The long scarves belted to every look that didn’t involve a wool blanket tossed over the shoulder are lovely and add a sense of asymmetrical layering to the looks.  Shoes are instant best sellers and if you don’t order your Burberry bag right now, this very instant, you won’t get one.

So, with all that is good and wonderful about this collection, why do I find it a seasonal disaster? THE CLOTHES ARE ALL SHEER! There’s a reason everything comes covered with a scarf or a wool blanket-pretending-to-be-a-shawl or a coat. If you wear these dresses in the middle of a winter such as the one currently dropping yet more snow and ice across the Midwest, you are going to freeze to death. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a wee bit. At the very least, though, you’ll catch cold, then that will go into pneumonia and you will die from that.

If I am being a bit overly dramatic, and I am, it is because this would make such a beautiful and lovely Spring/Summer collection. Change seasons and I’m telling you to get in line and max out your credit cards. The soft pastels and floral prints are perfect for spring, both in terms of color and tone. One could wear this collection through June and July while sipping mint juleps out on the veranda and look so stunning that even the flies stay away out of respect. But no, Mr. Bailey had to go and make this the fall/winter collection.

Even the menswear is seasonally inappropriate, with white mesh shirts under bright scarves. This is a look that would rock a gay pride parade, but not so much a snow-shoveling adventure. Again, frost bite where you just don’t want to be frost bitten.

Only with the first look did I see something that is befitting autumn at least, as Bailey does a cape riff on the brand’s legendary trench coat. That look can rock the early months of September and October. However, coats are supposed to be Burberry’s thing, yet too many of these pieces don’t even fasten!

I’m yelling at a brick wall, I know. This is a gorgeous collection that will sell faster than snow shovels after a January blizzard, in the event of which, you’ll need clothes purchased somewhere else. Perhaps one can buy early and save for spring.

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